Well, it happened again. I now know why my wife was not running up CC debt. It seems she dipped into money that we had agreed to put away for my DD's college fund.
I guesstimate I have to make up somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 to 24 thousand dollars. You'd think I'd be upset by all this but I am not. I guess I am sort of more hurt that she lied more than she spent the money.
I am not divorcing my wife but I am divorcing my finances from hers. We will split the bills but she'll have no access to any savings accounts of any sort. Heck, she doesn't contribute to them anyway.
She kept telling me she wanted to talk it out but I am of the opinion that any talking that needed to be done has already been done. What is there to say when trust is betrayed again and again.
6262.83 is the exact number on what I owe to pay off her CC debt. I still check the mail and she's gone over on her overdraft to the tune of 261.47. While I am concerned, she has generally paid off the overdraft in full. Now I think I know how.
My euphoria of winning a 1000 the other day is gone. I don't think I am mad or sad. I am just kind of numb. I suspect people feel this way when their spouse is on drugs or is alcoholic.
I have been an enabler for my wife. I have covered the debts for years and I am getting burned out and my health is starting to suffer.
Thank God there is no mortgage or car payments. I am so tired of struggling with this insanity. I guess divorcing our finances is the way to go at this time. Funny,I still love my DW.
Well, there you have it folks. I am officially up the creek again due to my own stupidity. Wish me luck as I'll sure as hell ned it!
DW lied to me about money again.
October 5th, 2006 at 03:28 pm
October 5th, 2006 at 03:52 pm 1160063526
October 5th, 2006 at 04:17 pm 1160065071
Good luck, Paul
October 5th, 2006 at 04:26 pm 1160065562
So, I can very much relate to how you feel. Believe me, you have my utmost sympathy.
October 5th, 2006 at 05:02 pm 1160067765
I don't remember...have you been to counseling? Has SHE been to counseling? Because she has a serious problem. I think divorcing your finances is a good idea, but at the same time, I am afraid to see what will come next. Will she start selling heirlooms around the house to feed her addiction? Yikes. Again, so sorry, PricePlus.
Also - there's nothing wrong with loving your wife (just not what she does). You are a good man!
October 5th, 2006 at 06:00 pm 1160071248
October 5th, 2006 at 06:04 pm 1160071440
Please do not take this the wrong way....you MUST get in to see a family counselor. Fine if she doesn't want to go BUT you must! Please don't make any more decisions except for this one.
That's all I'm going to say.
October 5th, 2006 at 06:59 pm 1160074745
"God will provide!:. Yes, I am sure he will but that does not mean we should spend everything he gives us!
When I asked why she does not tell me the truth she tells me it's because she does not want me to get upset.. So of course I'll be less upset when I find I have been lied to on top of the wild spending!
I did not yell or raise my voice. I was just numb. I guess my feelings are hurt more than anything else.
She once told a counselor that I needed to make more money. The counselor told her that she would probably increase her spending to match and that this was not the solution. DW did not want to hear that.
My DW is not a monster. She is a good Mom and a nice person. It is just this damn issue with spending. I just don't understand this kind of behavior. For the life of me I don't!
I'm glad I have this place as a sounding board. I'd be terribly embarassed otherwise but for the anonymous nature of this place. Thank you all for letting me vent!
October 5th, 2006 at 07:52 pm 1160077958
You're right to compare her to an alcoholic or a drug addict, because those people have uncontrollable habits, too. And it doesn't mean she's not a great mom or person...They usually need to hit "rock bottom" before they get help. Maybe this is her "rock bottom" and she'll seek the help she needs.
Good luck, as always, and vent anytime you need to...
October 5th, 2006 at 07:55 pm 1160078123
Of course you are numb, I would be too. I think taking away all lines of credit and giving her an allowance is the only thing you can do. It must be some sort of sickness with her.
We are all pulling for you here on the forum!
October 5th, 2006 at 08:18 pm 1160079492
October 5th, 2006 at 08:54 pm 1160081684
Separate the finances as quickly as you can. I wonder what will happen once access to funds has disappeared.
October 5th, 2006 at 09:40 pm 1160084455
October 5th, 2006 at 11:07 pm 1160089633
I meant YOU go alone to a family counselor. Forget about your wife for now. There are things you are going through as a result of this situation and since it seems as though she doesn't want to change you've got to be able to deal with the whole thing not to mention dealing with her.
Please don't go back to the counselor you had. I remember your posts about that. Pick someone who doesn't have an obvious religious affiliation. If you don't, any advice will be biased toward the religion as opposed to being absolutely crystal clear.
Good luck to you.
October 6th, 2006 at 12:03 am 1160092985
Lisasayzhi, I don't have a clue as to what it was spent on and at this point I just don't care.
It's funny. I thought things were going along so well. Maybe I just ignored signs. I don't know. Maybe I just didn't want to see anything happening. I checked for CC card debt and none was coming in. Honestly, I did not think she would spend the money for DD college. I never suspected. I guess that makes me very naive.
It really is a terrible thing not to be able to trust someone you should be able to trust completely. I guess I have moved from numb to very sad.
What else can go wrong?
October 6th, 2006 at 12:10 am 1160093433
October 6th, 2006 at 04:37 am 1160109457
October 6th, 2006 at 05:04 am 1160111075
But for now, we are feeling your pain of frustration. Counseling is an excellent idea. My best wishes to you.
October 7th, 2006 at 08:24 pm 1160252692
Does she have a job, or earn any money?
October 7th, 2006 at 08:59 pm 1160254787
October 8th, 2006 at 04:04 am 1160280282
It may be odd to hear this from a guy like me, but please hang in there, and don't give up. It's not really "divorcing" if you don't want to look at it that way. To me, it was simply to separate your finances so that you can each individually keep track of things.
But I will share this one very important lesson that I've learned: Prepare for the worst. If, and I'm not saying that it will, but IF the two of you do end up separating and perhaps even divorcing for real, please make sure that you are prepared to do so well before any of these events begin.
As Robert Redford once said in one of his movies, "When did Noah build the Ark? Before the rain, Gladys, before the rain."
October 8th, 2006 at 05:40 am 1160286037
October 8th, 2006 at 08:03 am 1160294597
My ex had wracked up $10,000 credit card debt without my knowledge, and he was unemployed and I only work casually as a teacher. So this kind of debt was exrtremely hard to pay..and it was stressing me out to the point where it would make me sick to my stomach.
That wasn't the only reason I broke up with him, but one of a few main ones.
Good luck Paul.
October 8th, 2006 at 04:19 pm 1160324372
October 8th, 2006 at 04:42 pm 1160325722
October 11th, 2006 at 08:08 pm 1160597296
As part of the process of separating your finances, I would suggest you consult with an attorney -- probably one that specializes in estate planning. Depending on your state's laws, it may not be enough to simply put assets in your name. You may need to put them in a trust or a similar device to maximize their protection. Truthfully, I don't know that married people can ever completely separate their finances, but a knowledgeable attorney can explain any legal limitations and help you make informed decisions.
I would also look for an Al-Anon type support group. Compulsive spending is a common enough problem that such a support group should exist. Also, the best run support groups usually don't permit members to bad mouth loved ones or engage in pity parties. Instead, the members help one another develop skills to manage day-to-day living without enabling the loved one. This seems consistent with your desired approach.
October 11th, 2006 at 09:16 pm 1160601411
October 11th, 2006 at 10:01 pm 1160604060
October 17th, 2006 at 04:55 pm 1161104128
Don't buckle! You can't allow her to mortgage off your future security, college for the kids or anything else.
Hang in there, Paul, things will get better, one way or the other.
October 17th, 2006 at 05:25 pm 1161105908
October 19th, 2006 at 09:09 pm 1161292151
October 20th, 2006 at 11:29 am 1161343780
I hope you both can work this out and she will come to realize the seriousness of her spending.
October 21st, 2006 at 02:12 pm 1161439939
rduell, thank you for the kind words. My DW is now responsible for her own debts. We are still working on things though!
July 16th, 2007 at 05:29 pm 1184606949
http://www.bloggingawaydebt.com/2006/12/are-you-at-odds-with-your-spouse-or-significant-other-about-debt/#comment-34738
Now that you are almost a year into this, I would be real curious to find out how things are going. Have you been able to build trust back into your relationship? That is my biggest fear right now since I am tired of getting burned.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:09 pm 1217027380
It truly is sad to experience this in a relationship but as I get older I just feel that it is what it is!
At some point you get indifferent and just protec your own financial future as best you can.
October 8th, 2008 at 08:27 pm 1223497645