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The aftermath.

October 7th, 2006 at 07:59 am

Well, the wife and I are being courteous but there is palpable tension. The wife is no longer able to access any accounts in order to get money. None save her own accounts.

I am still trying to figure out how to repair the damage to the account. I have to do it fast. College is upon my DD in just a few years. I really did not need this.

The wife and I are staying in seperate rooms for the time being. It has happened before. I wonder if this is how marriage dies. There is no great blowup it jusr sort of fades away no matter what you do......

I fear that I'll always be in debt. It just sort of eats at me. I hate the feeling. How do you do this to someone you profess to love? I just don't get it!

I spent no money today and I am going to be nuts about spending any in the future.
I'll still be checking the wife's spending and looking out for CC's.

Enough whining on my part. I'm just going to deal with it. On I go.

26 Responses to “The aftermath.”

  1. Ima saver Says:
    1160226626

    I pray for you every day that things will get better. I am like you, how do you do this to someone you love? Stay strong, for yourself. I hope she comes to you and asks for forgiveness!

  2. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1160232133

    Trust and respect are deal makers and deal breakers when it comes to marriage. I hope you and your wife can rebuild both. I know the heartache of living in limbo while you each wrap your minds around the 'elephant' in the house.

    I am sorry you are going through this (again)....and I urge you to go to counseling... for yourself...and hopefully for your marriage.

  3. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160236857

    I guess you just take it day by day. What else can you do? Better or worse was the deal. I think this may be part of the worse part. There is always tomorrow....

  4. Kira Says:
    1160249556

    The assumption is that both of you are working for the better, not towards the worse..

  5. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160251688

    Better is the reason I am here this long!

  6. Aldeya Says:
    1160259386

    Well, I was biting my tongue for days telling myself that I shouldn't write a response to this blog.

    What's going on in your life and in your marriage absolutely definitely is not my business and I'm NOT in any way, shape or form trying to judge or criticise you. But I've seen this happened before so here it goes.

    I think you wife does have a problem with spending. No doubt about it. But did you ever ask YOURSELF ...why?

    Maybe, just maybe she is unhappy. Unhappy the way her life is going, unhappy with the way you treat her, unhappy with the way YOU decide when it is right to spend or not spend the money you BOTH work for.

    Maybe she just unhappy with YOU.

    You think you are the only one suffering in this marriage. Guess what. If I had a husband who would constantly checking my purse, my mail, constantly fighting about the money I think I would be fighting back. Maybe her spending is her way of fighting you.

    Do you want proof?

    These are the quotes from YOUR recent posts.

    April 18, 2006 “I have to check to make sure she is not going behind my back with the spending again.’

    April 22. 2006:”I snuck into my wife’s purse the other night while she was sleeping and checked for any new credit cards. I check the mail as often as I can and throw out any card offers made to her. I also monitor the mail to see if any odd looking bills or cards come.”

    “I made some extra money….My wife knows nothing of the extra money and I am not going to tell her about it.”

    May 1, 2006 “I am still hiding money from her.”

    July 2, 2006 “I have not told my wife about the emergency fund that has been set aside. I love my wife but at times I just don't feel very close.”

    August 8, 2006” The wife and I are fighting over money again. ….I fear my wife is again spending money behind my back. It is an interesting life I lead! Sheesh!”
    “Will be sneaking around trying to see if my wife ahs fallen off the wagon with the CC.”

    August 18, 2006 “I have been spying on my wife to make sure there are no new credit cards.”

    September 22, 2006 “I am still checking the mail looking for any new CCs on my wife's behalf.”

    October 5, 2006 “I am not divorcing my wife but I am divorcing my finances from hers. We will split the bills but she'll have no access to any savings accounts of any sort.”

    October 6, 2006” The wife is no longer able to access any accounts in order to get money. None save her own accounts. Iam going to be nuts about spending any in the future.

    I'll still be checking the wife's spending and looking out for CC's.”

    I wouldn't want to live like this either.

    Again, please don't take this post as a judjement or critique. It is not. It's just sometimes we do not see when WE are the ones who need to make some changes.







  7. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160264355

    Aldeya, I can see some truth to what you say. Maybe I am making her unhappy. I guess I can't change my wife. She'll change when she wants to change.

    As I am seperating all my finances from hers she can spend to her hearts content and I'll not bail her out anymore. If she is unhappy with me then I wish she would say so. I am not here to make anyone's life miserable.

    By the by, my wife was almost 30,000 dollars in debt when I met her. I guess when you love someone very much it blinds you to reality. I never told my wife when she could or not spend money. Maybe it is a "guy" thing to try and fix things.

    Here I am trying to "save" my wife and maybe she does not want to be saved. I am glad you brought that up. Maybe I should just walk away from this altogether. Life is too short to be fighting with anyone.

    Maybe "I" should make the change. Consulting an attorney might be very prudent. Thank you for the advice. Close to 1/4 of a million dollars in bills. I've had to make up over the course of my marriage. You know, maybe fighting is a bad thing.

    My question to you is simply, if you saw someone you loved screwing up their life would you stand by and let it happen?

  8. jodi Says:
    1160276879

    Paul, I do not have any words of wisdom for you - only my heartfelt wishes that somehow, in time, this is resolved in a manner that is best for you both. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds like you were trying to protect your wife and yourself, but she doesn't seem to be at a point where she can see this. I wish you the best in the months ahead -
    jodi

  9. Aldeya Says:
    1160277474

    First I'd like to thank you for taking my post exactly like it was inteneded - as a friendly advice.

    I admire your efforts and willingness to help your wife. The fact that your health is compromized because of the stress makes the whole situation much worse.

    You mentioned that your wife was thousands in debts already when you met her. Obviously she had spending problems even before marrying you.

    As for you question... Of course I would stand by someone I love and try to do everything possible to save him.

    I just don't know if I would be willing to continue doing this after 18 years of marriage with no success...

    Whatever you decide I wish you luck.


  10. Broken Arrow Says:
    1160281106

    For what it's worth, I do think that Aldeya brings up a valid point of concern. Marriage is a team effort, and when it fails or is failing, both are responsible for it. In that sense, I am no different, and have been very much at fault for the failure of mine.

    Still, I have a very good friend who is horrendously stupid with money. I'm sorry. I love that guy to death, and would even take a bullet for him, but I question whether he would know how to save a dime if his life depended on it.

    Why? Well, I've heard of his side of the story, and the bottom line is that he is trying to "self-medicate" from a difficult martial rough spot that he and his wife is in right now. I don't think he is wrong to feel the way he does. However, I can not agree with his actions (to max out their third credit card to buy a large plasma TV).

    I believe that responsible money managment is vital to the success of any life and relationship. Sure, they may not understand or agree with it, but it is exactly what is needed to contain the damage. The medicine to cure an illness can be bitter at times.

    I may be biased in my opinion here, but what Paul is doing is exactly right, because he's not trying to hurt his wife by doing any of this. He's trying to protect both of them from what I see is her own self-destructive behaviors.

    I'm rambling.... Just keep at it Paul. Let her know how much you care for her, and assist her in any way you can, but don't give her any more access to any other funds.

  11. Broken Arrow Says:
    1160281802

    On a separate note, I do want to add that, from this reader's point-of-view, I am tempted to say that this marriage may come to an end. The signs just... doesn't seem encouraging to me.

    I'm not trying to say this to cast doubt into your already stressful situation. I believe that, regardless of the odds or the situation, when a man gives his vow to a woman, he needs to do absolutely everything possible to hold true to his words, and in this case, it means to never give up on the marriage.

    At the same time, the only reason why I'm bringing this up is that, well, my divorce lawyers costed me 6k, and the marriage counseling during our separation was about.... 2k I think. In other words, I hope you have a rainy day fund ready in case in does pour. I'm just saying to please be prepared in case the worst does happen so that you can minimize the blow to your finances.

  12. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160286721

    I have been compelled by necessity to secret funds. My reason was to keep my wife from spending them. I never did it with the intent of having funds after a divorce.

    I gave my word when I married my wife to stick by her. If my wife wanted a divorce I would reluctantly go along. It is a matter of honor with me. I also love my wife very much.

    I have tried to do the best by my wife. I hope it works out in the end.

  13. kylieb266 Says:
    1160300026

    you poor thing..do u have any close friends or family nearby that you can lean on for support?

    Im just wondering how many children you have..is it just the one or more?

  14. Broken Arrow Says:
    1160317515

    The only reason why I am divorced is because my ex left me, not because I stopped trying. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

    Take care, Paul. Smile

  15. LuxLiving Says:
    1160318993

    PricePlus - I haven't read thru all the comments on all of your blog so I don't know if anyone has already suggested this - if the mailbox becomes a problem area - can you get a postoffice box for all the bills to come to and slowly start switching accounts to be mailed there instead of home? Also I'd get myself a lockbox down at the bank and put my files there and/or get a locking filecabinet at home.

    In all fairness to your wife I would at the same time figure out who in her life she'd turn to if something were to happen to you (whom you also hold in the highest of trust or even a Trust Officer at a bank) ...and let them know where the postoffice box and/or lockbox is and a key to it.

    You might also want to look at your estate planning needs and set her up with what is called a Spendthrift Trust. Not a pleasant sounding name, but a trustee is appointed who will dole out any money in your estate to her in incremental amounts that will help maintain the money for the longest time possible. Something to think about.

    Had an ex (EONS ago) who did me wrong financially so I can somewhat understand your predicament. Had it not been for the physical abuse I would of stood by him too - so GOOD ON YOU for that!

    I do think that the other person who suggested that there is something other than money at the root of your wife's acting out. On some level she feels that it's okay to walk all over you in this manner. The Hubster is a very softhearted man who would find it difficult to tell me no about much of anything. I try not to abuse the privilege. Something makes her think her behaviour is okay.

    I don't know your ages/retirement scenario but can you get her to start looking at some of the online retirement planner calculators with you? Perhaps if she could see herself becoming a baglady in her future she might begin to do a turn around? Denial is harder to do when you have some impartial third party online telling you that your money won't last thru your expected life span during retirement! Facing that possible shortfall might help her.

    Again, haven't read all posts - but have you done counseling? You have a bigger issue than just money here. Seriously go yourself if you can't get her to go with you.

    Praying for you both and I wish your family peace my friend!

  16. tynana Says:
    1160322779

    Wow, I have not read all of your posts but just reading this one and the posted responses makes me want to make sure that the person I love and care for, my DH never has to go through what you are going through. I am the spender in our family and can always convince myself that when I want something that it is a need and never just a want. My DH would go without things so I could get what I wanted. Bless you because this will never be the case again. DH is the most important thing in my life and spending money to fulfill somthing that gives me a quick high is not going to happen anymore. It will be his face I see when I whip out that debit card of check book.

    I don't see much of a future for your marriage if your wife and you cannot do the same. Life is short and you are investing too much time and energy into something that is not going to change. Walk away and find happiness. Your wife is never going to be happy if money is her love.

  17. tynana Says:
    1160323106

    One more thing. Share this blog with your wife. I don't care if she is upset that you are sharing this information with others. She needs to read the responses. She needs to see in print how you feel and what this is doing to your family. Perhaps she can set up her own blog to put her feelings down. She may be able to see what she is going to herself on paper instead of just hearing it from you.

  18. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160326988

    LuxLiving, I am taking steps to make sure there is money for my wife should anything happen to me.

    Kylieb266, I try not to involve family. It might make for bad feelings or have someone think less of my wife.

    Tynana, I am glad that my troubles have helped someone think about their spending.

    Folks, I am madly in love with my wife. The years we've had together only makes me love her more. You know the feeling. When they are not with you you find yourself wondering what they are doing. The worry you feel when they are late. The joy you feel when they smile. Sometimes I am still a dippy school kid. I don't think she really knows just how much I do love her.

    The money does worry me but in the end it does not trump what I feel. I will do what is necessary to protect the finances. Love keeps me in the marriage and determined to make it work.

  19. Great to be Debt Free Says:
    1160623540

    I haven't read many other posts, so maybe this is addressed elsewhere, but a lot of times spending patterns like those exhibited by your wife stem from a feeling of loss or emptiness elsewhere in life. Sometimes it's a physical emptiness, sometimes its self esteem and many times it stems to abuse of some sort (not by you, I mean, childhood abuse, etc.).

    Have you considered counseling? And I don't mean just for her, but maybe for you first, or both of you?

    I don't know where you work or she works, but many companies have Employee Assistance lines available. I recently called due to depression I was experiencing and I got 6 free sessions with a counselor -- it's totally confidential (unless someone indicates that they are considering hurting themselves or another).

    Just a thought.

    I'm really sorry you're having all these issues. I hope that somehow, things get better.
    --GTBDF

  20. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160632405

    We have gone in the past. We are talking about going again!

  21. Gruntina Says:
    1160706045

    I honor your character for not taking divorce lightly and for keep trying. Many people would have given up so easily. On the other hand, I am praying that you two can come up with a resolution that will help heal and meet eye to eye on sharing future goals and going through it together instead of against each other on the journey. I am not sure how counseling can help because you basically already know what the problem is her spending and your boundaries but maybe see a guide or planner on finance that will be a win-win situation as well as maybe doing a marriage devotional book together to restore that partnership, trusts and to be able to dream together again.

  22. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1160722427

    Maybe the counselor can finally get to what is behind this spending. Lord knows I can't. We got nowhere in the past but you never know!

  23. fern Says:
    1161104683

    It really bothers me that your wife apparently doesn't feel the need to make amends, say she's sorry or express any remorse for what she's done. She's the one that should be worrying about repairing the relationship, not you.

  24. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1161105848

    Well Fern, I am at the point where an apology does not matter. She has said sorry before in the past. I am not getting angry I am just sepatating the finances!

  25. exhausted Says:
    1162668329

    I stumbled upon your blog by accident while looking for info on how to deal with my DH's compulsive spending. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone and don't want a divorce either. He's a great guy in every other respect except money.

    I can relate to everything you are saying in your blog. Its not going to be easy to separate my finances from his, but I'm now determined to do it. My back is to the wall.

    He's racked up 17K in personal debt YTD. And $600 in the past week that I know about. I confronted him about one $200 purchase (discovered accidentally) and it got ugly. He simply assumes I will cover every essential bill we get.

    He cannot even comprehend why I am so upset when we get utility shutoff notices. He's got every excuse you can think of to justify his behavior. I see the credit card statements (we only have one), so he's become the King of Layaway (because its so much easier to hide these expenditures).

    Counseling? Forget it. He feels he is enjoying the "fruits of his labors". His mom is also a compulsive shopper, so oniomania sounds like a very real condition to me.

    Retirement is a fantasy, my corpse will simply be removed from my workplace.

    I know this is a vent, but thanks for your time and blog.

  26. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1162720891

    It is rough and I understand the madness first hand! I'lll never understand it though! I wish you the best exhausted!

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