Well, the wife and I are being courteous but there is palpable tension. The wife is no longer able to access any accounts in order to get money. None save her own accounts.
I am still trying to figure out how to repair the damage to the account. I have to do it fast. College is upon my DD in just a few years. I really did not need this.
The wife and I are staying in seperate rooms for the time being. It has happened before. I wonder if this is how marriage dies. There is no great blowup it jusr sort of fades away no matter what you do......
I fear that I'll always be in debt. It just sort of eats at me. I hate the feeling. How do you do this to someone you profess to love? I just don't get it!
I spent no money today and I am going to be nuts about spending any in the future.
I'll still be checking the wife's spending and looking out for CC's.
Enough whining on my part. I'm just going to deal with it. On I go.
The aftermath.
October 7th, 2006 at 06:59 am
October 7th, 2006 at 01:10 pm 1160226626
October 7th, 2006 at 02:42 pm 1160232133
I am sorry you are going through this (again)....and I urge you to go to counseling... for yourself...and hopefully for your marriage.
October 7th, 2006 at 04:00 pm 1160236857
October 7th, 2006 at 07:32 pm 1160249556
October 7th, 2006 at 08:08 pm 1160251688
October 7th, 2006 at 10:16 pm 1160259386
What's going on in your life and in your marriage absolutely definitely is not my business and I'm NOT in any way, shape or form trying to judge or criticise you. But I've seen this happened before so here it goes.
I think you wife does have a problem with spending. No doubt about it. But did you ever ask YOURSELF ...why?
Maybe, just maybe she is unhappy. Unhappy the way her life is going, unhappy with the way you treat her, unhappy with the way YOU decide when it is right to spend or not spend the money you BOTH work for.
Maybe she just unhappy with YOU.
You think you are the only one suffering in this marriage. Guess what. If I had a husband who would constantly checking my purse, my mail, constantly fighting about the money I think I would be fighting back. Maybe her spending is her way of fighting you.
Do you want proof?
These are the quotes from YOUR recent posts.
April 18, 2006 I have to check to make sure she is not going behind my back with the spending again.
April 22. 2006:I snuck into my wifes purse the other night while she was sleeping and checked for any new credit cards. I check the mail as often as I can and throw out any card offers made to her. I also monitor the mail to see if any odd looking bills or cards come.
I made some extra money .My wife knows nothing of the extra money and I am not going to tell her about it.
May 1, 2006 I am still hiding money from her.
July 2, 2006 I have not told my wife about the emergency fund that has been set aside. I love my wife but at times I just don't feel very close.
August 8, 2006 The wife and I are fighting over money again. .I fear my wife is again spending money behind my back. It is an interesting life I lead! Sheesh!
Will be sneaking around trying to see if my wife ahs fallen off the wagon with the CC.
August 18, 2006 I have been spying on my wife to make sure there are no new credit cards.
September 22, 2006 I am still checking the mail looking for any new CCs on my wife's behalf.
October 5, 2006 I am not divorcing my wife but I am divorcing my finances from hers. We will split the bills but she'll have no access to any savings accounts of any sort.
October 6, 2006 The wife is no longer able to access any accounts in order to get money. None save her own accounts. Iam going to be nuts about spending any in the future.
I'll still be checking the wife's spending and looking out for CC's.
I wouldn't want to live like this either.
Again, please don't take this post as a judjement or critique. It is not. It's just sometimes we do not see when WE are the ones who need to make some changes.
October 7th, 2006 at 11:39 pm 1160264355
As I am seperating all my finances from hers she can spend to her hearts content and I'll not bail her out anymore. If she is unhappy with me then I wish she would say so. I am not here to make anyone's life miserable.
By the by, my wife was almost 30,000 dollars in debt when I met her. I guess when you love someone very much it blinds you to reality. I never told my wife when she could or not spend money. Maybe it is a "guy" thing to try and fix things.
Here I am trying to "save" my wife and maybe she does not want to be saved. I am glad you brought that up. Maybe I should just walk away from this altogether. Life is too short to be fighting with anyone.
Maybe "I" should make the change. Consulting an attorney might be very prudent. Thank you for the advice. Close to 1/4 of a million dollars in bills. I've had to make up over the course of my marriage. You know, maybe fighting is a bad thing.
My question to you is simply, if you saw someone you loved screwing up their life would you stand by and let it happen?
October 8th, 2006 at 03:07 am 1160276879
jodi
October 8th, 2006 at 03:17 am 1160277474
I admire your efforts and willingness to help your wife. The fact that your health is compromized because of the stress makes the whole situation much worse.
You mentioned that your wife was thousands in debts already when you met her. Obviously she had spending problems even before marrying you.
As for you question... Of course I would stand by someone I love and try to do everything possible to save him.
I just don't know if I would be willing to continue doing this after 18 years of marriage with no success...
Whatever you decide I wish you luck.
October 8th, 2006 at 04:18 am 1160281106
Still, I have a very good friend who is horrendously stupid with money. I'm sorry. I love that guy to death, and would even take a bullet for him, but I question whether he would know how to save a dime if his life depended on it.
Why? Well, I've heard of his side of the story, and the bottom line is that he is trying to "self-medicate" from a difficult martial rough spot that he and his wife is in right now. I don't think he is wrong to feel the way he does. However, I can not agree with his actions (to max out their third credit card to buy a large plasma TV).
I believe that responsible money managment is vital to the success of any life and relationship. Sure, they may not understand or agree with it, but it is exactly what is needed to contain the damage. The medicine to cure an illness can be bitter at times.
I may be biased in my opinion here, but what Paul is doing is exactly right, because he's not trying to hurt his wife by doing any of this. He's trying to protect both of them from what I see is her own self-destructive behaviors.
I'm rambling.... Just keep at it Paul. Let her know how much you care for her, and assist her in any way you can, but don't give her any more access to any other funds.
October 8th, 2006 at 04:30 am 1160281802
I'm not trying to say this to cast doubt into your already stressful situation. I believe that, regardless of the odds or the situation, when a man gives his vow to a woman, he needs to do absolutely everything possible to hold true to his words, and in this case, it means to never give up on the marriage.
At the same time, the only reason why I'm bringing this up is that, well, my divorce lawyers costed me 6k, and the marriage counseling during our separation was about.... 2k I think. In other words, I hope you have a rainy day fund ready in case in does pour. I'm just saying to please be prepared in case the worst does happen so that you can minimize the blow to your finances.
October 8th, 2006 at 05:52 am 1160286721
I gave my word when I married my wife to stick by her. If my wife wanted a divorce I would reluctantly go along. It is a matter of honor with me. I also love my wife very much.
I have tried to do the best by my wife. I hope it works out in the end.
October 8th, 2006 at 09:33 am 1160300026
Im just wondering how many children you have..is it just the one or more?
October 8th, 2006 at 02:25 pm 1160317515
Take care, Paul.
October 8th, 2006 at 02:49 pm 1160318993
In all fairness to your wife I would at the same time figure out who in her life she'd turn to if something were to happen to you (whom you also hold in the highest of trust or even a Trust Officer at a bank) ...and let them know where the postoffice box and/or lockbox is and a key to it.
You might also want to look at your estate planning needs and set her up with what is called a Spendthrift Trust. Not a pleasant sounding name, but a trustee is appointed who will dole out any money in your estate to her in incremental amounts that will help maintain the money for the longest time possible. Something to think about.
Had an ex (EONS ago) who did me wrong financially so I can somewhat understand your predicament. Had it not been for the physical abuse I would of stood by him too - so GOOD ON YOU for that!
I do think that the other person who suggested that there is something other than money at the root of your wife's acting out. On some level she feels that it's okay to walk all over you in this manner. The Hubster is a very softhearted man who would find it difficult to tell me no about much of anything. I try not to abuse the privilege. Something makes her think her behaviour is okay.
I don't know your ages/retirement scenario but can you get her to start looking at some of the online retirement planner calculators with you? Perhaps if she could see herself becoming a baglady in her future she might begin to do a turn around? Denial is harder to do when you have some impartial third party online telling you that your money won't last thru your expected life span during retirement! Facing that possible shortfall might help her.
Again, haven't read all posts - but have you done counseling? You have a bigger issue than just money here. Seriously go yourself if you can't get her to go with you.
Praying for you both and I wish your family peace my friend!
October 8th, 2006 at 03:52 pm 1160322779
I don't see much of a future for your marriage if your wife and you cannot do the same. Life is short and you are investing too much time and energy into something that is not going to change. Walk away and find happiness. Your wife is never going to be happy if money is her love.
October 8th, 2006 at 03:58 pm 1160323106
October 8th, 2006 at 05:03 pm 1160326988
Kylieb266, I try not to involve family. It might make for bad feelings or have someone think less of my wife.
Tynana, I am glad that my troubles have helped someone think about their spending.
Folks, I am madly in love with my wife. The years we've had together only makes me love her more. You know the feeling. When they are not with you you find yourself wondering what they are doing. The worry you feel when they are late. The joy you feel when they smile. Sometimes I am still a dippy school kid. I don't think she really knows just how much I do love her.
The money does worry me but in the end it does not trump what I feel. I will do what is necessary to protect the finances. Love keeps me in the marriage and determined to make it work.
October 12th, 2006 at 03:25 am 1160623540
Have you considered counseling? And I don't mean just for her, but maybe for you first, or both of you?
I don't know where you work or she works, but many companies have Employee Assistance lines available. I recently called due to depression I was experiencing and I got 6 free sessions with a counselor -- it's totally confidential (unless someone indicates that they are considering hurting themselves or another).
Just a thought.
I'm really sorry you're having all these issues. I hope that somehow, things get better.
--GTBDF
October 12th, 2006 at 05:53 am 1160632405
October 13th, 2006 at 02:20 am 1160706045
October 13th, 2006 at 06:53 am 1160722427
October 17th, 2006 at 05:04 pm 1161104683
October 17th, 2006 at 05:24 pm 1161105848
November 4th, 2006 at 07:25 pm 1162668329
I can relate to everything you are saying in your blog. Its not going to be easy to separate my finances from his, but I'm now determined to do it. My back is to the wall.
He's racked up 17K in personal debt YTD. And $600 in the past week that I know about. I confronted him about one $200 purchase (discovered accidentally) and it got ugly. He simply assumes I will cover every essential bill we get.
He cannot even comprehend why I am so upset when we get utility shutoff notices. He's got every excuse you can think of to justify his behavior. I see the credit card statements (we only have one), so he's become the King of Layaway (because its so much easier to hide these expenditures).
Counseling? Forget it. He feels he is enjoying the "fruits of his labors". His mom is also a compulsive shopper, so oniomania sounds like a very real condition to me.
Retirement is a fantasy, my corpse will simply be removed from my workplace.
I know this is a vent, but thanks for your time and blog.
November 5th, 2006 at 10:01 am 1162720891